Adults with ADHD can have difficulty with boundaries either with implementing their own boundaries or respecting others or both. Boundaries are the imaginary lines we draw around ourselves to maintain balance, protect our bodies, and mind and emotions and from the behavior or the demands of others. Boundaries also provide the framework from keeping us from being used or manipulated by others and they allow us to confidently express who we are and what we want in life. On the other hand without healthy boundaries or with weak boundaries you can’t have a healthy relationship, or you get so caught up with another person and their needs that you lose your own identity. So how you start to being to establish personal boundaries. For any adult with ADHD to being accommodating and compliant, the process of setting and implementing boundaries may feel threatening and unnatural at first. However as you being to stand up for yourself and your boundaries, you will feel increasingly empowered and confident. You will like and respect yourself and others will be attracted to your authenticity and self-confidence. So here is how to set boundaries.
Mind Shift – Start with the mind shift that having personal boundaries is OK. It doesn’t mean that you are selfish or unloving. It is both accepting and necessary for healthy relationships. Understand that self-worth comes from defining your life as you want it to be, and not from the acceptance or identity from others.
Define – Think about how you have been allowing others to take advantage of you and how you might be accepting situations that have not been acceptable to you. Write up a list of things that people may no longer do to you, say to you or do around you. Figure out how you need physical or emotional space. Define your own belief system, values and your outlook on life so you have a clearer picture of who you are and how you want to live.
Communicate – Have a discussion with the people involved who have crossed your personal boundaries and talk to them about your mind shift. Explain to them you have spent some time thinking about what is important and acceptable to you and what isn’t. Let them know how they have crossed your boundaries in the past and ask them to respect and support your new boundaries.
Accept – Accept that this conversation may feel uncomfortable and difficult if you are a people pleaser. There may be some defensiveness and push back from those involved. And that is OK. They will get used to your new boundaries over time. But be aware that some people in your life may walk away from you as a result of your new outlook and demand respect. You will find that you will attract new, supportive, and healthy-minded people in your life. Whatever you do, don’t compromise your values, integrity and self respect simply to keep someone in your life.
Reinforce – It may take a while to train yourself and others around you with your new boundaries. Continue to reinforce them so that you are taken seriously and respected. Try to practice saying no when you are asked to do something that you do not want to do. Create a plan for times when someone crosses your boundaries. Let them know what they are doing and ask them to stop. Walk away from any negative comments without getting angry. Over time people will realize you are serious.
Reward – Acknowledge and thank those who are supporting and respecting your boundaries. Let them know the positive impact it has had on your life.
Be Patient – If you have had weak boundaries for years, be aware that this change doesn’t happen overnight and this can require practice and sometimes it requires the support of a counselor or a good friend. Try to indentify and challenge the limiting beliefs that undermine your practice of setting boundaries. Stick to your boundaries even when you feel unsure and uncomfortable.
Believe – Believe in yourself and you are a unique individual who is worthy of love and respect. Trust your instincts about your feelings ad what you do and don’t want in your life. No one knows better than who you are and what you desire. Don’t let allow people define that for you. Practice self-confidence and self-love until it feels natural. Setting and requiring boundaries is a great way to practice this. When you define your boundaries in your life you will find that fear disappears. You will feel more empowered and self-confident that you are communicating your self-worth with the people around you.